Total Recall

My daydreams interrogate me
Demanding a complete account
Of how you handled me
With authority
My personal sexual police
Give me the right to
Remain silent or scream
However I pleased
On my back
On my knees
With your baton
Beating me
Hard strokes
Soft strokes
Quick, raw strokes
That seem to knock me
To the brink of insanity
Into another dimension
Where you have me
Willingly enslaved
You let me give
I let you take
Everything and nothing
A consummate composition
Of yin and yang
Swirled together into
A whirlpool of lasciviousness
That makes taboo seem pedestrian
And while I tried to board
The Pineapple Express
I can not claim duress
I voluntarily allowed
Myself to be ravished
By uninhibited passions
That was nothing less
Than the best
Yes…
I recall that morning
When you handled me with authority
And made my longing a reality

Copyright 2011, Javonne Albury

Author’s Note:  “Pineapple” as per comedian Kevin Hart, not Pineapple Express the Movie lmao!!!

Desire’s Introduction Redux

 

Desire's Introduction

He bent down to introduce his lips to mines
What a delightful surprise
Welcomed the closing of eyes
While echoes of Him oscillated
Across the grooves of my soul
Like the bass’ harmony
Of a Booty’s Collins song
And so I opened
My mouth wider
As Desire’s rain began to
Pour into me
And with a fiendish greed
I sucked, licked, kissed
His full juicy lips
Like it was the last day of
Eternity
Imploding explosions
Fired up yearnings
Wanton needs as
One million blissful days
One million erotic nights
Consolidated
Into that one moment in time
Subconsciously
When he bent down
To introduce me to
Desire

~S. J. Easley~

I Want To Strip For You

I want to strip for you
Minus the pole
That is not something I need
Feel free to close your eyes
What I want to share
Is something you can’t see
I want to strip for you
Beyond the many fabrics
That are draped across my frame
Beyond the ideas and thoughts
That this society has deemed
To be acceptable and tame

I want to strip for you
Down to my core
So you can see everything
The Heavens sees and more
From the sparkle of my brilliance
To the twilight of my flaws
I want you to see me for me
So I am free to soar
Past society’s labels of strife
And the many insecurities of the mind
I want to be free to live
Like Adam and Eve did
Before they took those bites
That changes their lives

I want to strip for you
So you can be equipped to dive
Into the depths of our desires
As we both seek to find
Treasures that only Angels have founds
And Demons have stolen to possess
The type of riches that can meld
Passion, joy and pain into pure bliss
And suspend our hearts in moments
Of everything and nothingness
Until we’re covered in tears, serenity
Laughter and sweat
As our souls kiss underneath sheets
While our breaths speak in unison

I want to strip for you
I’ve waited for you
For so many years
I am so happy
So excited
The moment is finally here

Copyright 2010 Javonne Albury aka SJE

Kindred Inspiration (Being a Forethought)

My recent writings have led me to a new epiphany and now I have a better understanding of what I am seeking in a companion / complement… Kindred inspiration.  I am talking about the kind of inspiration that two people share when they are fearless with each other.  The kind of inspiration that renews and is constantly evolving because each party is reviving the connection with thoughts and actions that leave no ambiguity.  The kind of inspiration that makes each party place all bets on the other — and no matter what, good or bad, they are in it together –  They are in it together because they know it’s going to be just fine.  The kind of inspiration that makes each party comfortable because they know they are “a forethought” and not “an afterthought” to the other.

I am a firm believer that a person’s first thought and actions are their true feelings. Though I believe people can change their minds, I still believe the first thought is the most sincere and unadulterated thought.  I debate with my best friend back and forth about this all the time and we still don’t have a winner (lol).  However, I have never been one to force the sight of my beauty on anyone.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If a person cannot see or recognize my beauty, then I guess they are not the right beholder.

I guess at the end of the day most people’s values will determine the beauty they see. Family dedication, compassion, creativity, imagination, inspiration, loyalty, passion and unconditional love have been archived for a credit score, annual income, bank account balance, material possession, physical allure and sexual gluttony, which seem to be the new characteristics of a viable partner.

I’ll have no problem being transparent and am not ashamed of the person that I am.  My credit is not that great, I don’t make the money I used to, I live check to check most of the time, I don’t have the top of the line anything but I have what I need and if the intimacy isn’t intimate, I will do without it.  I take care of my family and sacrifice for them when necessary, my creativity keeps my evolving and gives me so many options for survival, my compassion allows me to see the beauty in all people, my imagination keep my outlook fresh, my inspiration inspires others, my loyalty allows me to have the best of friends, my passion defines my truth and my unconditional love, gives me more happiness than any dollar or any word could define.

I don’t claim to be a perfect or saint or little goody two-shoes, I am only being who I chose to be.  As I have gotten older, I chose to be a one man type of lady, but recently I was dating three men at one time.  Each man was unique and possessed beautiful qualities…  Yet with each I waited to see if there would be, or if he would allow any kindred inspiration but there wasn’t and it’s okay.  Not to mention, dating three people at one time was unsettling for me because I felt like I wasn’t giving my full attention and vis-a-versa.  Call me old school, but I just started to feel weird and grew more and more uncomfortable with myself.  {Smiles}

Ultimately this is why I decided to stop seeing all of them and start dating myself lmao!  Don’t get me wrong, I still want to be their friends and I hope they want to be mines as well.  Don’t know how it’s going to go down after they read this.  But I am thankful for the experiences each has given me, cause technical it was through them that I came to my latest epiphany.  Thank you!

A Diamond Amidst Coal

In this age of forgotten chivalry, lost communication and empty sexual connections, I feel so blessed to have connected with a person who makes me feel like I am not alone and who has positively revived my outlook towards others.

Considering there are so many posers and selfish people in this era, it was so refreshing to be treated as a lady instead of “just another prospective piece of azz”.  It feels so good to have met a man who asked me out on a date instead of an immediate invite to his bedroom.  He makes me feel special because I know my emails and notes are read, responded to and or acknowledged without me having to follow-up.  It is so pleasant to have a conversation with a freaky man about everything and nothing.

He doesn’t realize how totally invigorating he is – what are the odds of finding a strong, confident alpha male who was open to learning and who believes he is still growing.  It was so freaking awesome to have my first conversation with him without sex being discussed, or on the first or second dates for that matter (but it was covered by the third date lol).  It’s such a delight to be around a man who wants me to be a lady first and his lover in due time.  It’s breathtaking to converse with a calculating man who actually thinks with his brain and not his penis.

Can you imagine the exquisite feelings — to be completely comfortable with being myself in the company of a man who is not condescending or judgmental.  He is in unconditional in moment with me and he is open to exploring new experiences and sharing his thoughts with me.

I am grateful to know a man who uses the truth, and not lies to get what he wants.

It is so beautiful to know a man who is honestly taking the time to build a foundation based on friendship.

Don’t get me wrong, I know there are many good men still out there… But it’s been a long time since I’m been with one so I am going with what I know in this moment .  My time with this man has been so different, almost like a I’m shedding old skin/outlook because a new one has formed.  Believe it or not, I am learning to be patient (and for those who know me, that’s a major-major feat lol), and I am enjoying taking my time.  Now I know he is not a saint or perfect but he’s perfect imperfection just like me and that’s all I need.

Over the year I’ve met several people, were nothing more than selfish pussy gamers who used lies and said anything to get what they wanted – men with minds of coal and tainted substance.  Thankfully, I have learned to recognize their warped light and quick fade to black upon detection.  However, I am grateful for them and their experiences as well because I know how to recognize the men of a higher calibre, the diamonds, as well.

I can’t lie I want him all for myself but that’s too selfish lol…  At the end of the day, I just want him to be happy even if it’s not with me.  And if I could I would bottle him and share the joy he has given me with all those who wanted to, so they can know or remember what their inner womanhood tastes like and how intoxicating it can be lmao.

Ultimately, I am very appreciative to have the time and experiences that I’ve shared with him.  And if the universe and he sees fit, there will be many more!

At This Place Called Here

Two volatile hearts need never met
These words of rationale have keep feelings domicile
Remembering the first time his eye touched mines
Yet he never saw me

He saw my smile but he didn’t turn towards it’s warmth
He hear my voice but he didn’t hear it’s comfort
He accepted my friendship but he didn’t embrace it’s love

Years have visited and moved on
And I have remained
I never asked him to be anything more than
The beautiful man I have always seen

Through days when the night refused to recede
Through nights when every star he wished upon came to be
I remained waiting for him
To finally see me

At this place called here

On Delightful Water

My side of his bed
Was drenched with liquids
Laced with our scents
The night air was humming
The melody that was
Reverberating from my soul
I lay entranced by the
Pendulum movement of his
Tongue across my clit and
Silently cheered as he
Exorcised many of the
Self-imposed demons
That have adulterated
My thoughts for years
As he shared his brilliance
I was inundated
With unambiguous clarity
Expectation-free
Agenda-free
Fear-free
Gratefully
I reciprocated
Sharing the million lights of love
In my soul
Wholeheartedly… Wholeheartedly
He kissed
He touched
He licked
He sucked
He bit
He caressed
He stroked
He gave
He gave
To me unconditional
Until I screamed
Until I moaned
Until I came
Until I smiled
Until I growled
Until I sung
Until I came
Until I drooled
Until I floated
Until I evolved
Until I came
Until I laid
Drowning in a relentless
Tsunami of ecstasy
Willingly succumbing
To his final waves
Somewhat stunned and
Soaked to the soul in euphoria while
I lay next to him
With joy slowly dripping
From every pore
As the night air hummed the melody
Reverberating from my soul
The words “Thank You”
Softly flowed in his ears
As rejuvenation beckoned me
To drift off
On delightful waters

26 Weeks of Insanity: My Life with PMDD

I’ve tried to commit suicide twice, lost my high school sweetheart (my one truly unconditional love), had unprotected sex too many times, alienated many good friends, lost quality moments of happiness and missed out on several business endeavors and other adventures.  These has been some the lowest points in my life as I live PMDD or premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

I am not sure how many have noticed the recently birth control pills advertisements that mention this term PMDD, but what is it exactly???  My personal definition is it’s my fatal flaw, a devil on my back, or an irritating, debilitating itch that I just can’t freaking scratch lol.  However the clinical definition is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome or PMS.

For the longest time I used to think I was cursed, that I had the bad DNA, seeing as several members of my family were confined to mental institutions at one time or another.   As I reflect on some the events in my life, I know so many of my childhood friends, classmates and college friends must have thought I was crazy…  I don’t blame them, what were they to think?  One day Sabrina is friendly, bubbly, sweet as peach.  Then next day, she’s withdrawn, sad and gone into isolation.

I didn’t realize what I had until 2005, thanks to the worldwide web.  Back then I was starting to make arrangement for permanent residency at the nearest rubber room.  Things were starting to get out of control and I was losing my mind.  Over the years I sought help from doctors and a therapist in college.  Many just wanted to prescribe depressive medications or blame my symptoms on being molested as a child.  While being molested was a serious life event (and this is another story), I never felt my current symptoms were different related to it.  No had an answer and medication was not a logical solution…  I was so lost and clueless…  Then in late 2005 I was finally thrown a clue…

Apparently, PMDD occurs in 2-10% of menstruating women and most researchers believe it is brought about by the hormonal changes related to the cycle.  Most people have different symptoms and thankful I’ve never turned into an evil, bitchy, monster.  Historically my symptoms have been a depressed mood, feelings of hopelessness and failure, increased interpersonal conflicts, total listlessness, difficulty concentrating and unexplained crying.  Since I opted to find natural herbs to help alleviate my imbalance, life sometimes is a complete struggle.  There are days where I feel totally worthless and feel I have not added any good to the world (even though I know this was not true).  Since I have yet to find a permanent fix, I am very thankfully these types of days don’t happen too often.  Ultimately I believe search to finding a natural remedy is still the most viable option.

When I was in my teens and first started my cycle things were manageable, but by junior year of high school my life started to crumble.  I am more than certain, several of my high school teachers and thought I was on drugs.  Sometimes I sit back and laugh because I don’t know how I graduated high school with a Regents scholarship, fourth in my graduating class and two full scholarship offers including one from an Ivy League school.  Considering I usually did my homework and assignments in the wee mornings the day before they were due.  Not many of my friends knew that I hardly studied yet I passed.  Unfortunately, I failed my high school major, but by then I had stopped caring.

That year I think I was going to drive my poor mother crazy, she didn’t know how to help me.  I remember her coming to my school once to meet with a counselor and all she keep saying was, “Is it’s just a phase, it’s just a phase.”  This statement proved to be true in many ways.  It was a phase, a two-week phase that would be me until menopause.

As time passed and my imbalances became more severe, I decided it was best to isolate myself.  I did not like people see me in such a dark state.  I’ve never liked burdening people with my problems, nor did I want bring people down with my mood.  I was the happy-happy-joy-joy girl and I thought it would be best to keep what I was going through from my family and friends.  I didn’t want them to feel helpless or worry about me.

Now as 2010 nears, I feel it’s time to fully I let of my embarrassment, my frustrations with my behavior/mood, to apologize to the many good people that I’ve hurt along my journey and to let go of the shame that I used to feel about my PMDD.  Over the years, I am not sure if hiding this from my family and close friends was such a good idea.  I never really gave people the opportunity to understand and/or accept me if they wanted too.

I apologize to everyone that I shut out without explanation.  It was never my intention to hurt anyone, to seem flaky or like a psycho chick (lol).  I apologize for the poor decisions I have made during my imbalanced moments.  I apologize for any pain or disappointment that I have caused anyone.  I know many years have passed for some and I am not attempting to make an excuse for my behavior nor am I asking anyone to forgive or forget… All I would ever hope for is a moment of understanding, as I always believe it’s never too late for a moment of understanding.

This posting is the first leg of this journey as I strive to exorcise several demons that I’ve allowed to plague my life for too long.  Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed.  My life has such a delicious richness that is filled with many wonderful experiences and moments, and I am so very grateful to the universe.  However my darkness and light defines everything that I have been, everything I am and everything I will be.

If you join me for ride, feel free to laugh with me, to cry with me and to support me as I strive to become a better person that I was yesterday.

Next Posting:  If I Were A Bad Girl

Stomping Out Love

The taste of her disappointment
Left a hole in her heart
And a darkness that blurs her light
What drives Insanity
To stomp out Beauty
And make a mockery
Of her kindness
She offered friendship
She offered truth
She offered love
They were all accepted
Then twisted
Used against her
Forcing her to detour
Onto a black, silent road
Drenched with her tears

Checkmate
He stripped her of her last ounce
Of hope, of her compassion
He has won
He has defeated love
And punished her
For her foolishness
For her arrogance in believing
For her seeing
The good in him

Living with PMDD

Sometimes my light dims to point
Where I can’t see
My own beauty
And I’m surrounded
By the darkness of all my pain
And so I breathe slowly
Deeply
Slowly
Wishing time would pause
Until the winds change
And the warmth
Returns

What is life like with PMDD ?